Thursday, October 8, 2009

Thursday.. Struggles, body image, self image, ect....

I slipped yesterday... I overate.
It's okay. I am not happy about it. I will admit I did purge.. and that part I am unhappy about. I did not go to the gym. Yesterday I made my own day very bad, because I chose to do things that are self destructive.
God, Eating Disorders.
This is not healthy for my daughter. I don't want her to be a Compulsive Overeater, or a Bulimic. I never want her to ever struggle with this. I am afraid she may. Damn. What can I do?

Today I am back on track. I am going to the Gym. I am trying to be more mindful of my intake. I wanted to punish myself and fast for what I did. How will that help? If I fast, I should do it from my heart.
I converted to Islam a few years back... I learned that it is good to fast. But if I fast, I should only do it for God, not to punish myself out of hatred. Fasting should be done to spiritually cleanse myself-not to hate myself.

That is my problem right there-I hate myself. I tell myself I am not good enough. I am still the same person inside, for better or for worst, whether I am fat or thin, old or young, beautiful or ugly... My Spirit, what makes me "Me", is always the same.

I could never evolve spiritually if I keep holding on to this self loathing and hatred. I have to detach myself from it, and let it die.

Here is my intake for today. If I slip again-which is highly likely to happen, since I am vulnerable right now from yesterdays slip, I will write it down and post it. This is about honesty. Whatever shame I feel I have to let out. I am still a human being whether I do things right or wrong.

Breakfast: Large Bagel, 6 pcs tamarind candy... the carbs and sugar are detrimental to me I think. They are unhealthy carbs. 340 cals-Actual breakfast

The rest is all planned. Again,I will post if I slip or change it.

Lunch: (planned): Tomato pasta salad made with 1 small tomato, garlic salt, cilantro, 1 tablespoon fat free Italian dressing, 1/2 cup cooked whole wheat pasta (I heard Wheat can trigger overeating in food addicts), small chicken breast baked with cheese , 2 cups salad, with 1 tablespoon fat free Italian dressing.
Total cals: 405

Snack: 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 1/2 cup sugar free peaches, 1 slice dry low calorie toast 180 cals

Dinner: Smart One's Veggie Lasagna, 2 cups salad with fat free Italian dressing.

335 cals

Total: 1260 cals

Other: Vitamins (I am taking prenatal vitamins-not because I am pregnant, but because I want to get the extra vitamins to get energy), Omega 3 pills, green tea pills, green tea without milk.

Excercise: Gym-Incline machine 1 full hour. Weights: Abs, arms, legs.

Goal: Today I will NOT step on the scale. Today i will realize my eating plan is for my own intrest and to nourish my body while avoiding binge eating and purging. I will try to appreciate myself and love myself. This diet and excercise program is to help my body, not to punish myself for not being beautiful enough.

I will try to limit myself to 1200-1300 cals for the next 4 days. I originally planned to stick to 600-800 because of my binge yesterday, and to double my excercise. I can do it.. but it is better to do things the right way. Overexcercising, eating less than 1200 cals can lead to health problems. Women of my size have died from these things. 1200 is the minimum calorie standard, and 1 hour of excercise is what my doctor told me. So, that is best for me right now.

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