Diary_of_a_fat_girl: Weight Fluctuations... And learning to keep calm about it. Today is also a higher calorie day.

Yesterday at the gym I weighed myself.
Before I go on... let me explain something very quickly.
I was first 302 lbs in the beginning of August. I fasted throughout Ramadan, and went to the gym during the night time. From Ramadan til now I have lost 20 lbs. I weigh 282 lbs as of this morning.
Now, as I was saying... yesterday at the gym I weighed myself.
I was 282 the previous day, and yesterday I was 286 lbs. I went to a doctors appointment this morning to talk about bariatric surgery. I weigh 282 again.

I totally freaked out last night.
My mood turned intensly sour. I wanted to leave the gym and just go home.
I stayed. So many weird thoughts were swimming through my head. Extreme thoughts. I was thinking of just not eating for a month or two. I can do it... but I would possibly get sick and maybe pass out. I haven't gone long without any sort of food ever. Fasting during Ramadan is not total starvation. You still eat in the early morning, and the evening. I thought I should work out longer to burn whatever calories I am eating. It made sense last night. If I eat 1300 cals, I burn 1300 cals.. but that would be 4 hours of working out. I'm sorry, but an hour or two hours max is enough. I would risk injuring myself.

I want this weight to come off NOW. I feel so impatient. I have spent my whole life being a compulsive overeater... being the lonely fat girl that everyone made fun of, who hates her body.

My body and food are my worst enemies.

When I was 15, I lost alot of weight. I went from 240 lbs down to 145 lbs. However, I excercised 2-3 hours a day. I was also bulimic. I struggle with bulimia to this day at times... but nothing like how I struggled from the ages of 15-21. I puked everything I ate. I managed to maintain a normal weight-on the higher end of normal, but I was not obese.

Then I had my daughter. I was 210 lbs when my child was born.

Things between the father of my child (me ex boyfriend, not husband) got bad. He hit me. I ate. I felt depressed, intensly lonely, and sad. I also was driving, and was not excercising or walking everywhere like I had befor. My boyfriend constantly put me down calling me "Stupid", "worthless"... or telling me that my family "hated me" and did not "want me around".

My father treated me the same way. It brought back the old bad feelings.

I ate. I gained 100 lbs.

My ex boyfriend began hitting me. I ate more. I ate, I ate, I ate... I cried. I ate. I isolated myself. I shut myself up with my baby, and ate. I occasionally went to the gym, but then quit. And just ate. That is how I went from 210 lbs to 300+ lbs in a period of 4 years.

Now for the last month I have lost 20 lbs.
I have had 2-3 binge episodes. I almost wanted to binge today... but I am here typing instead as I wait for my late lunch to finish cooking.

I am going to go to the gym tonight, and try to push myself as much as I can. Once I get going, and the endorphins kick in, I feel alright, and can go for an hour or two just fine-with a few water breaks in between. It feels good to sweat. It feels like all of my impurties are leaving out, and my soul is being cleansed. I can feel better for a while and forget my misery when I sweat. That is why I go.

Now on to my food intake. I really pray to God that I follow it and do not binge. I do not want to. The longer I go without binging, the better I feel about myself, and the better chance I have to lose weight. I am close to cutting my own body open to lose weight-by bariatric surgery. I really wish deep down that I could do this all on my own, and maintain a better lifestyle. I hope.

Okay... on to my food intake.

Breakfast: 1 english muffin, fat free cream cheese (1 serving), fat free 50 cal yogurt, apple. 310 cals

Lunch: 2 servings fake crab, 1 serving shrimp, 2 cups veggies, 1 serving oyster sauce. 1 home made chocolate chip cookie. Goddamned cookie! lol 545 cals. THAT IS ALOT.

Snack: Fat free 50 cal yogurt, 1 serving sugar free peaches 85 cals

CORRECTION on dinner: I did not make the chana masala. I will make it tonight. Instead I had a Subway Sweet Chicken Teriyaki sandwich, 6 inch, on whole wheat bread with cucumbers, tomatoes, spinach, bell pepper, and onion. I also had the small side of apples to go with it. My total caloric intake for dinner was 455 calories.

Snack: Chocolate peanut butter granola bar. 150 cals

Total calories: 1545

I normally prefer to stick to 1300. But 1545 is lower than the 2300-2500 cals my body uses to stay at my high weight. So I guess it is alright still.

I want to in the long run maintain a lower calorie diet for my lifetime. I feel better when I know how many cals I am consuming. I assuming once I get to my goal weight I will need 1200-1950 max a day to maintain a healthy weight.

And you know the sad part? If I burn 2300-2500 cals at 282 lbs, but can maintain a healthy weight of 130-150 lbs by eating 1200-1950 cals a day... doesn't that tell you something? It is not much more cals! It blows my mind! It really does! Those few hundred extra cals make a HUGE difference in my weight and body size. Are those few hundred calories WORTH BEING SO FAT? NO! HELL NO!
That is why I have to keep myself in control. It is not worth over eating. It is better to eat the cals needed to maintain a NORMAL weight than the measly few hundred more to be a lard ass. Not worth it at all. Better to be in control and not binge.

That wraps it up for now. I feel happier and calmer.
I will go to the gym at least an hour tonight.

Ciao.

Music that I can relate to-the lyrics and feel of the song that is...